Justice
by devkit
Summary: What happened to Anders to make him so vengeful? Following Anders, from Awakening into Dragon Age 2. F Hawke and Anders romance. Rated M for future language use and possibly sex.
1. Prologue

Of mages and men

Overcome with passion? Perhaps. In love? Maybe. Karl and I would become my best kept secret. Not even Marin was privy to our tryst and he had been a good friend for a long time.

I stood in the library, behind the shelves where we had decided to meet. I was nervous. "I love women" I had told him. "Pretty girls. You have a beard!" It all came out as a whimper. Karl had his hand on my neck, trailing lazy circles behind my ear. It was all very distracting. He laughed.  
"I know. But admit it. You're curious." At that he had leaned forward and kissed me for the first time and I was stunned. Mostly because I really liked the way his beard tickled my lips. This was unexpected. To be completely honest, scary as hell! Freaking me out, even, and at the same time I knew he was right. I was curious. But not about everyone, about him. My Karl. My boyfriend? No, no, no, this was just outrageous, even for me, rebellious mage that I was.

Not quite sure how I should react, my hands fluttered by my sides, as he continued to kiss me in an almost friendly way. "Karl" my voice was shaking. Leaning back, giving me room to breathe and to think, he asked me if I would see him later. I could only nod agreement. I didn't really trust my voice.

And here I was, waiting for a man that I hardly knew I had feelings for until he kissed me. Karl had been a friend for so long. How could I not have noticed this? Part of me wanted to run away, bed a woman, any woman just to prove I was still a man. Another part of me wanted desperately to kiss him again.

I heard footsteps on the stairs. Not the heavy tread of Templar boots, but the careful walk of a magi. Robes rustling softly, Karl stepped into view and my heart leapt. Shit. If I wasn't in love, I had a serious infatuation going. Well, wasn't this awkward?  
"Anders" he reached out a hand. I hesitated, but took it.  
"Let's get out of here" I said, all impulse. "Let's run away somewhere. I can't stand the circle anymore. I want to be free Karl. I want to breathe without gagging on the stink of sweaty Templars." I took a step closer, firing up my flirtiest smile, the one that always made the tavern girls giggle. "I want to love…" As I spoke my voice got shaky and nervous. I didn't care.  
Karl watched my outburst with an amused smile, the way he always did when I let my ideas get away with me.  
"Anders, the Circle is here for a reason, you know that. I don't want to leave, and neither should you." He stepped closer as if to bridge the distance his words had created.

I think this was the start of the end of our love affair, but I was too infatuated with him to realize it. As a man, falling in love with another man was new to me, but I have since come to realize love takes no prisoners. Literally.

The fear of discovery, spiced with the thought that if we were discovered we would not only be two mages in bed with each other, but two male mages… Well, let's just say it added to the tension, sexual and otherwise.

Karl and I lasted for a few lovely months, until I felt the need to run away again. I was never very good at staying in one place, and Karl never did change his mind when it came to the Circle. With Karl, I discovered things about myself I never would have known without him. And that was why I decided to help Hawke find a way into the Deep Roads. Karl was in serious trouble, and he had come to me for help. How could I possibly refuse him?

As if on cue she showed up on my doorstep. She needed help. I needed help.

Destiny. 


	2. Strike a deal

She stood there, watching from the doorway as I healed the young refugee boy. He had been beaten by the elements, malnourished and deprived of sleep. I took my time, did what I could. Boosted by Justice I wove magic, healing not only the body but the spirit as well.

Tired beyond belief I turned to see them. Justice on full alert was a pain. As soon as he spotted the weapons he flared up from within. The piece of the Fade that always accompanied him made my skin glow and stretch, and me, myself and I went into hiding in the deeper recesses of my mind. Before I knew it, I had gripped my staff and turned around. "I have made this place a sanctum of healing and salvation. Why do you threaten it?" The words were out of my mouth before I even knew I was going to say them. The rag tag trio so very obviously led by the short haired woman seemed unconcerned by their welcome. As if they had had similar experiences many times before.

The pretty woman took a few steps towards me. I say pretty. More handsome if I was to be honest. She struck a chord but Justice was there immediately to lay waste to any such thoughts. To him she was a threat. I couldn't help but reassess, based on his fist impression. No. She wasn't handsome or pretty. She was a problem.

"I'm just here to talk" she said, voice pleasant, despite my misgivings. The dwarf supplied the reason. They wanted to get into the Deep Roads.

"Did the Wardens send you?" I was immediately suspicious, even though the trio certainly didn't look like Warden material. If there even was a type. Maker knows I'm not. Running for my entire life has made me cautious. Perhaps cautious to the point of paranoia. This wasn't me. "Those bastards made me get rid of my cat. Poor Ser Pounce-a-lot. He hated the Deep Roads..." The thought of my mewling companion, bestowed on me by the indomitable Cousland made me sad. I really missed my cat.

The short haired woman that I would come to know as Hawke looked at me, eyebrow raised. "You had a cat named Ser Pounce-a-lot? In the Deep Roads?" Her disbelief was almost comical. I couldn't care less. She obviously wasn't a cat person. Justice again, trying to get under my skin, so to speak. I felt defensive and on edge. Why in the name of the Maker was Justice so prickly?

"It was a gift. A noble beast. Almost got ripped in half by a genlock once. He swatted the bugger on the nose. Drew blood too." I couldn't keep the pride from my voice. The look on that genlock's face had been priceless, and Pounce just hissing and spitting away, as if the genlock was no more a threat than the Vigil's housekeeper when Pounce was caught stealing cream in the pantry. Poor Ser Pounce-a-lot. I felt the need to explain his absence like I always did.  
"The blighted Wardens said he made me too soft. I had to give him to a friend in Amaranthine." I knew Kristof's wife would take good care of the cat. She loved him almost as much as I did, and she tried sending me updates on how he was doing. Apparently, he was quite an accomplished mouser, but I hadn't heard anything for ages. Not since I came to Kirkwall to free Karl. "I've always heard that joining the Wardens is for life?" Hawke looked at me, curious. I couldn't tell if it was curiosity about me, or if she was just made that way. Later I understood that this was the way she tackled anything. Get as much information as possible before striking. Or pulling you closer.

"That's only partly true. The hopelessly tainted by the darkspawn and plagued by nightmares about the Arch demon parts doesn't go away, but it turns out that if you hide well, you don't have to wear the uniform or go to the parties." Justice was wincing at that. The only reason he "let" me escape was because of the cause of mages. He really needed to loosen up. Or maybe I did. Being part spirit of Justice, part fun loving escapee mage and runaway Warden had me more confused than most. Maybe it was because I just didn't like this woman much. Which was totally unfair, since I didn't know her at all.  
"I'm part of an expedition into the Deep Roads", she said. "Any information you have could save people's lives."  
And there it was. My only weakness. Helping people. Oh no. I wasn't going back. Was I?

"I will die a happy man if I never think about the blighted Deep Roads again. You can't imagine what I've come through to get here. I'm not interested…" Karl. Karl was still imprisoned. This woman and her weird friends might be able to aid me, as a distraction if nothing else. Templars were a lot less tenacious than darkspawn. And, thank the Maker, less contagious. Just the thought of Templars spreading their taint around had me shivering. She saw it. Curious again. "Although. A favor for a favor. Does that sound like a fair deal? You help me, I'll help you." If she could help me, perhaps I wouldn't have to worry about running into Templars in the Chantry. Not that I minded hitting a Templar, but still.  
"Let's be more specific" I heard the laughter in her voice. "I don't do anything involving children or animals."  
"I have a Warden's map of the depths in this area. But there's a price. I came to Kirkwall to aid a friend, a mage. A prisoner in the wretched Gallows. The Templars learned of my plans to free him. Help me bring him safely past them and you shall have your maps." I met her eyes and held them. That blue fire. Fascinating.  
"You want to make your friend an apostate?" The question was fair, though. Yes, I did. I'd rather have him hunted than Tranquil. The dark haired woman by the dwarf shifted uncomfortably. My attention had been on Hawke, but this woman… she was obviously more than met the eye. I wondered if her company knew.  
"That's such a weighted term. Yes, Andraste said magic should serve man, not rule him, but I've yet to find a mage that wants to rule anything. It goes against no will of the Maker for mages to live as free as other men." Hawke shot a glance at her company. They knew alright. I shouldn't have been surprised by her reply, but I was.  
"Forcing mages into servitude is not the way to prevent the rise of another Imperium." "That's not usually the response I get", I was quite frankly taken aback. I had to admit, my first impression was off somehow. There was a distortion in my mind regarding this woman. Very strange, and something worthy of reflection. Later. "Perhaps we will work together better than I expected?"  
"You've convinced me. What's your plan?"  
" I welcome your aid. I have already sent word for Karl to meet me in the Chantry tonight. Join us there, and we'll ensure that no matter who's with him, we'll walk away free."

Oh how wrong I was.


	3. The Darkness That Eats the Soul

In the darkness, behind closed doors, the facade I had upheld all the way from the Chantry to the Clinic in Darktown shattered. As Hawke left with her merry group of adventurers and I ushered out the last few of the poor souls who had sought my help, I could feel despair rising.

I bolted the doors. The anguish I felt took my breath away. So strong was it that I had no air in my lungs to release it. All I could produce was a thin, wailing noise. I fought to catch my breath, but the pain was so deep within me. A hole had opened up in my heart that sucked all the joy out of me, all the life. It felt like I could die here, on the filthy floor of my makeshift clinic.

I lost consciousness for a short time. Justice made me breathe. Filled my lungs with air, and as I swam from the darkness, I heard myself. I sounded like a wounded animal, screaming in pain. I had slipped from sitting to lying in the dirt, just inside the doors. My arms were wrapped tightly around myself as I tried to keep myself together, but in the face of my hurt and my anger at what the Templars had done to my former lover, what the Templars had made ME do to my former lover, I thought I would break. No arms would ever be strong enough to hold me together.

The pain I felt was only made worse by the fact that Karl had come back to me, just for a few seconds, and how he had pleaded with me to end his life. The knife, sharp and cold against his chest. The sickening smell of incense. The low voices chanting, never silent even in the dead of night, exhaling the Maker's words on the world. The hated Chantry all around me, heavy with accusations. And the ripping sound of the knife, moving through his clothes and through his chest. The sudden warmth of blood on me, and the tang of copper and iron staining the air around me. The steel's indifference as it reached his heart, and stopped it.

In my hands.

The knife in my hands.

I looked at myself then. I saw his blood drying on me, and I felt something that had once been whole and wholesome break inside me. A rift had opened in my soul. In the dark, a monster reared it's ugly head. A shadow had fallen over me, and this was the beginning of another end, although I didn't yet know what a horrible revenge the shadow would claim.

I have no memory of how long I spent just inside those doors, wailing and keening, hoping against hope that I could be released from the very physical hurt that had taken hold of me. Crippled by it, I fell asleep, exhausted by grief and pain - lost, as it were, in my own personal hell.


End file.
